So, it was hard for me

So I was the unwanted jewish son among seven

I was the one frowned upon, always punished, even before being born

I was left aside, for being who I am

I was raised under the wrong bosom, in the wrong year, and in the wrong country

With the wrong blood and the wrong colour

Born by force, just because you cannot abort twice in a row

 

I was the weird son, cousin, brother, and grandson

The crazy and hyped up 

The stubborn fairy 

The “keep a distance” queer neighbour

The complicated and delicate classmate

The never invited or contained

 

I think it was fear

I think it was shame

I think it was incorrect and equivocal ideas

I think it was ignorance

 

So I have a father that tried to find me after almost 12 years

So I have a father that phoned me twice for my birthday

So I have a father that that held me, far away in the south, and promised me everything, until he found out the truth

So I do have a father that bled me out at 19 years old inside a car and threw me face down to the trash because I liked it up the ass

 

So I do have a father that says a man like him is incapable of begetting such a human aberration turned into a son by force

So I do have a father that knows I exist, who knows who I am and what I do

But won’t look at me, won’t talk to me, not even utter a “hello” or a “how are you?”

 

A father that never gave me anything at all

I’m talking about love and respect

Or a tight hug or a kiss

A hand on my shoulder when I was feeling bad

I’m talking about yearning and happiness

 

You called me so many different names; hurtful, cursed, infinite all of them

And, even so, I don’t curse you

 

So I had to grow in a circle filled with fear

Tearing out my skin and eyes while screaming out loud

I grew up in a middle-class-style household war 

Inside a bomb which was always about to explode

In a neighbourhood which was always about to explode

In a neighbourhood as cold as the North Pole, where people called each other by yelling

In a school where violence was part of “love” and wasn’t just used for self-defence

Where everyone remained silent, living as spectators, the truth sealed

Where my lovers took me rough in my friend Eric’s house

Where your name matters more than your voice

Where nothing more than money mattered

Where love lasted as long as booze did, and if I see you “have we met?” 

 

So I had to grow up from home to home

So I had to grow up with holier-than-thou uncles 

Uncles who gave their opinion and gave orders on how to raise me

Uncles who thought I needed a heavy hand

Uncles who thought I needed violence and blood to understand the straight line 

Cousins who trampled upon me when we played

 

So I had to grow up with a last name that had nothing to do with me

I had to grow up a stain in history that meant nothing to me 

Grow up with something that didn’t belong to me in the least

Grow up in a borrowed family which I loved by force because I had no other choice

 

So I had to swallow my tears and my sorrow because I couldn’t continue dancing in the town theatre

Obey my father’s dictatorship of fire with my head down, that dancing was not for men

My uncles’ voices in the background, like a choir

So I had to keep quiet about what Jano did to me for two years

So I had to eat up the urge to say that I felt more like a woman than a man

So I had to postpone myself throughout my life

Grow up shaving my head to find my identity and never forget all this

 

So I had to grow up with the idea that someday better times would come

That someday I would be an educated and well-behaved prince

That someday I would be a learned man and follow the perfect line

That someday I would be so free! That I wouldn’t be able to find myself again

 

And here I am

 

In front of your eyes

In animal pose

With my flower made flesh before you

Overflowing complete fulfilment

Overflowing complete happiness

So that you understand what I’m saying

So that you understand everything

So that you understand where I come from and the “why” behind all this

So that you understand I’m not putting on airs 

So that you understand that my work is my skin and also my voice

To nail myself in the centre of your mind so that you never forget!

 

I’m well

Quite well

I don’t have anything to forgive

This is the only way for me to tell you how much I love you

This is the only way for me to show you who I am nowadays

This is the only way for you can see the beautiful sissy rosebud I have become due to experience

Look at me

 

This is me.